What the Scriptures Teach About Fostering Faithfulness in Christian Marriages
I have been in ministry for over twenty years. During that time, I’ve officiated dozens of weddings, provided pre-marital (and pre-engagement) counseling for countless couples, and provided marriage counseling for couples experiencing marital difficulties.
There’s no “magic bullet” to fix every problem, but there are some bedrock biblical principles that couples can commit to and strive towards to promote health and unity in their marriages. Over my time in the pulpit and the counseling room, I’ve found that these twelve simple principles can help couples grow in Christian faithfulness in their marriages.
Here they are.
1. Move with the grain of God’s good design for human sexuality.
God made us male and female from the beginning. The world is more functional and beautiful when men act in masculine ways, and women act in feminine ways.
Don’t resist it. Don’t reject it. Don’t deny it.
Accept it. Embrace it. And even rejoice in your differences.
God made you that way for a reason. Your differences are a gift that God gave you to glorify Him and benefit each other.
2. Make establishing and building a household a top priority.
Every Christian should reasonably expect to get married and have children. There may be legitimate exceptions, but you’re probably not one of them. Don’t define the norm by the exceptions. Define the norm by the standard of God’s Word, then acknowledge the rare exceptions when needed.
As young men and women enter their twenties, they would do well to prioritize finding a like-minded, godly spouse as soon as possible. Don’t put it off until you’re established in your career or some other arbitrary marker. For that matter, no rule says you have to finish college before getting married.
Men, if you find the right woman, put a ring on her finger and get married. (Obviously, seek wise counsel from your parents, pastor, or other godly friends to be sure.) If you think, “We won’t have enough money!” or “We’ll be poor!”—so what? Lots of people have struggled to make ends meet. Marriage isn’t a luxury cruise. Pinching pennies in the “early years” of marriage and childrearing is the exact kind of challenge that unites couples when they overcome it together.
3. Your household will reach its greatest potential through a sexed division of labor.
God made men and women with different bodies, and those bodies were built to do different things (obviously). In Genesis 2, different Hebrew words describe the creation of Adam and Eve. God “formed” Adam from the dust of the ground (v7), but God “made” Eve from Adam’s rib (v22). The word “made” could also be translated as “built.”
The male body is like a Swiss Army knife: it can do many things proficiently. There is no single purpose that the man’s body was made to perform, for he can do various things. However, the female body was clearly “built” and optimized for a particular purpose: The bearing and nurturing of children.
This simple fact must be strongly accounted for in the work both of you do. The husband’s priority is to do whatever it takes to provide for his wife and children. The wife’s priority is to take what the husband provides and use it to build up her home and children.
4. Husbands, take responsibility for leading your household mission.
The particular mission of individual households may vary, but the heart of every household mission is raising up a godly seed (Mal 2:15, Deut 6:4-9).
Husbands, you are ultimately responsible for this. Let that motivate and drive you.
5. Wives, submit to your husband, and help him accomplish your household mission.
The “help” Adam needed in Eden was not simply a second pair of hands to do work but a complementary mate with unique, feminine potentiality.
The woman is like an amplifier. The first “help” she gives him is her ability to give life. She receives the seed from the man and amplifies it, knitting a new life together in her womb. But she amplifies in other ways as well. She takes the raw resources provided by her husband and transforms them into whatever the household needs to survive and thrive.
6. Husbands, lead your wives in an understanding way.
Although women are the “weaker vessel,” they are also an “heir with you of the grace of life” (1 Pet 3:7). Husbands, your wife is not another dude, so don’t treat her like one. If you want a godly, feminine wife, then treat her gently.
Men, women feel things deeply, and God has made them to desire an emotional connection with you. Don’t be robotic in your interactions with her. Take a genuine interest in what she’s thinking and feeling. You might need to ask her multiple times what she’s thinking and feeling because she’s testing whether or not you actually mean it. Playing along a little as an expression of love for her is not a bad idea.
7. Wives, treat your husband with respect.
Just as love is rocket fuel for a woman’s soul, respect is rocket fuel for a man’s soul. Men need to know they are good at something and they have something valuable to contribute to any relationship. In other words, men need to be needed, and that’s good. God made us that way.
Wives, the worst thing you could do is crush his spirit by putting him down. You’ll see women on TV or in movies do this all the time. They speak of their man as though he’s incompetent and she has to do everything for him. This is so destructive to a man’s spirit. Never speak ill of your husband in public.
Conversely, a rising tide lifts all boats. Thank him for the work he does. Tell him you’re depending on him and you’re standing by him. Tell others about his accomplishments in his presence.
Build up your man, and see if you aren’t built up as well in the process.
8. Husbands, love your wife more than your job.
Husbands, don’t forget that covenant you made before God to leave and cleave. You didn’t make a covenant with your job. Jobs come and go. Your wife is yours until death parts you.
In other words, your job isn’t your number one mission; your family is. Your job is the means of funding your first mission.
Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying: do excellent work at your job. It’s good for a man to love his job and be highly committed to his work. But he vowed before God to put his wife first (and, by extension, his children).
Keep those priorities in the proper order.
9. Wives, don’t be ruled by fear.
In 1 Peter, Sarah is the exemplar of feminine virtue. She called her husband “lord” and submitted to him. That may sound shocking to modern ears, but don’t let that distract you from the point. Peter says she was acting with godliness when she did that.
Peter says, “You are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Pet 3:6).
Here’s the point. Women are doubly vulnerable. First, they are the weaker vessel. Second, they are called to submit to flawed husbands. That can be scary because he may make poor decisions as he leads the home, and his wife is covenantally obligated to submit to it.
I’m sure Sarah was scared of some of Abraham’s actions. But God saw her and commended her for her faith. Her refusal to live by fear showed her feminine strength.
To be clear, submission does not mean she has no voice in the matter. It simply means that when the final decision is made, he ultimately will answer to God for that decision, and a godly wife will likewise trust God’s work through her fallen husband.
10. Husbands and wives, conflict is the price you pay for intimacy.
Neither of you are perfect. God’s design for marriage is oneness. Satan’s design is to pull you apart, turning lovers into enemies.
Patiently work through conflict, reminding each other, “I’m not your enemy, and you aren’t my enemy. We’re on the same team.”
11. Work for multigenerational success.
If your goal in marriage is to raise a few kids until they graduate and are independent, you’re setting the bar too low.
Ask yourself, “What would it take to see my great-grandchildren become faithful Christians?” Psalm 78 speaks of God’s command to our fathers to teach his ways “to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children” (v5-6).
Your job as a parent isn’t over when your kids turn 18 or leave the house. You’re just entering the next phase, where you help ensure a faithful Christian legacy gets passed down to your children’s children and then your children’s children’s children.
Reverse engineer a plan for that.
12. Trust God’s grace in all your failures without altering the standard.
The hardest thing about addressing issues of sexuality is that sin so easily creates messy situations that are impossible to undo.
And so, the temptation is always to lower the standard so we can meet it. That’s a mistake. What we should do is uphold a high standard for sexuality (and all that it entails) while trusting God for all the ways we fall short.
For example, a married couple can have a blended family even after a messy divorce. If they are remarried, there’s no way to untangle that knot.
Sexual sin can create permanent changes to one’s life trajectory. Those are opportunities for God’s grace to shine. God’s grace is big enough to account for the bad situations our sins got us into.
He specializes in redeeming bad situations when peoples’ hearts are truly humble and repentant. So, if you’re in a messy family situation, don’t lower the standard so that you can “meet it.” Trust God’s grace for all the ways you’ve failed to meet the standard and ask him to redeem it for his glory. I’ve seen the Lord do this in more situations than I can count.
If you want to read more on this topic, I developed a practical theology of sexuality in my book God’s Good Design: A Biblical, Theological, and Practical Guide to Human Sexuality, available at Amazon.
